Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her): A Guide For Your Journey Through The Transformational Fires Of Love & Intimacy by Bryan Reeves
Author:Bryan Reeves [Reeves, Bryan]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Bryan Reeves Coaching
Published: 2021-01-18T00:00:00+00:00
32
MEN NEED SAFE PLACES TO FEEL (ANGRY)
This past weekend in the fire-scarred mountain forest north of Los Angeles, I sat on dank earth encrusted by fallen pine needles and listened to a small group of courageous men spread throughout the woods around me roar out a long-repressed rage that shook the trees ⦠and I smiled.
For on this menâs weekend retreat, I was showing these men a new way to be with their emotions, and thus a new way to resolve conflict.
Before we started this practice â which I call âAnger Yogaâ â I told them that if we did this right and some hiker on the trail heard us, theyâd be terrified, and theyâd run till they found reception and could dial up the police. I figured we had a 50/50 chance of being arrested on this lovely Saturday afternoon in the woods.
I hadnât intended to teach âanger yogaâ on this retreat. But when conflict arose in the group that morning, as it inevitably does when men first get real with each other, and with themselves, I didnât want them to merely try talking it out.
Although âtalking it outâ is generally considered the mature way to resolve conflict, I know from years of coaching men (and women and couples, too) that merely talking things out when anger is present often just bypasses the emotion and rarely gets to the root cause of the conflict, which is (mostly) never about whatâs actually happening in the moment, anyway.
No. We men are Angry. Furious. Enraged.
Our rage has nothing to do with those Republicans or those Democrats. It has nothing to do with the (often) unfair accusations our intimate partners make in their moments of upset. Weâre not angry because of traffic on the 405, or the boss/spouse who doesnât respect us, or the lack of money in our account, or our sports team sucks this year, or, or, or. No.
Weâre furious because our fathers long ago left us alone to find our own way, even if they were physically present.
Weâre frustrated because no one taught us how to truly, fully love a woman, or another man, or ourselves.
Weâre disheartened because we feel deeply unseen in our efforts, in our always good intentions. Weâve always felt unseen, misunderstood and unacknowledged, for despite all the good we attempt, itâs never considered enough. Not by others, and not by ourselves.
Without elders/fathers telling us weâre enough, that weâre already a success, how can we ever know?
Weâre confused because weâve been taught money, comfort, success should make us happy ⦠yet it never does. Weâre also scared, because despite our armor we donât feel safe in the world. We donât feel emotionally safe. To feel what we feel. Especially anger. Weâve only ever seen anger used to hurt people.
In our deepest hearts, we men donât want to hurt anyone. So, at least initially, weâll hurt ourselves instead by swallowing our anger, pretending weâre ok when weâre not. As it festers inside, it leaks out sideways in the form of meaningless work, shallow relationships, emotional vacancy, and addiction.
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Codependency | Conflict Management |
Dating | Divorce |
Friendship | Interpersonal Relations |
Love & Loss | Love & Romance |
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