Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her): A Guide For Your Journey Through The Transformational Fires Of Love & Intimacy by Bryan Reeves

Author:Bryan Reeves [Reeves, Bryan]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Bryan Reeves Coaching
Published: 2021-01-18T00:00:00+00:00

32

MEN NEED SAFE PLACES TO FEEL (ANGRY)

This past weekend in the fire-scarred mountain forest north of Los Angeles, I sat on dank earth encrusted by fallen pine needles and listened to a small group of courageous men spread throughout the woods around me roar out a long-repressed rage that shook the trees … and I smiled.

For on this men’s weekend retreat, I was showing these men a new way to be with their emotions, and thus a new way to resolve conflict.

Before we started this practice – which I call “Anger Yoga” – I told them that if we did this right and some hiker on the trail heard us, they’d be terrified, and they’d run till they found reception and could dial up the police. I figured we had a 50/50 chance of being arrested on this lovely Saturday afternoon in the woods.

I hadn’t intended to teach “anger yoga” on this retreat. But when conflict arose in the group that morning, as it inevitably does when men first get real with each other, and with themselves, I didn’t want them to merely try talking it out.

Although “talking it out” is generally considered the mature way to resolve conflict, I know from years of coaching men (and women and couples, too) that merely talking things out when anger is present often just bypasses the emotion and rarely gets to the root cause of the conflict, which is (mostly) never about what’s actually happening in the moment, anyway.

No. We men are Angry. Furious. Enraged.

Our rage has nothing to do with those Republicans or those Democrats. It has nothing to do with the (often) unfair accusations our intimate partners make in their moments of upset. We’re not angry because of traffic on the 405, or the boss/spouse who doesn’t respect us, or the lack of money in our account, or our sports team sucks this year, or, or, or. No.

We’re furious because our fathers long ago left us alone to find our own way, even if they were physically present.

We’re frustrated because no one taught us how to truly, fully love a woman, or another man, or ourselves.

We’re disheartened because we feel deeply unseen in our efforts, in our always good intentions. We’ve always felt unseen, misunderstood and unacknowledged, for despite all the good we attempt, it’s never considered enough. Not by others, and not by ourselves.

Without elders/fathers telling us we’re enough, that we’re already a success, how can we ever know?

We’re confused because we’ve been taught money, comfort, success should make us happy … yet it never does. We’re also scared, because despite our armor we don’t feel safe in the world. We don’t feel emotionally safe. To feel what we feel. Especially anger. We’ve only ever seen anger used to hurt people.

In our deepest hearts, we men don’t want to hurt anyone. So, at least initially, we’ll hurt ourselves instead by swallowing our anger, pretending we’re ok when we’re not. As it festers inside, it leaks out sideways in the form of meaningless work, shallow relationships, emotional vacancy, and addiction.

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